How to write a first message on a dating app

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A good first message on a dating app is 1-3 sentences long, responds to a specific detail in the other person’s profile and ends with an open question that cannot be answered with only “yes” or “no”. Avoid a bare “hi”, compliments about appearance and copied lines. The message should show that you actually read the profile.

Ondřej (33) had a decent number of matches and sent every one of them, “Hi, how are you?” Three people replied, two of them with “hi, fine”, followed by silence. When he finally read Jana’s profile, he asked whether the tea in her photo from Georgia was really worth travelling halfway across Europe for. She replied within ten minutes and they talked all evening. He had not changed. Only the first sentence had.

Why “hi, how are you” does not work

Because it says nothing and asks for nothing. The other person gets several identical messages a day and would have to invent the whole conversation for each one. It is like inviting someone to dinner and then waiting for them to cook. Besides, “how are you” has one socially acceptable answer: “fine, and you?” Then you are both back at the start, only two messages older.

A first message has to do three jobs at once:

Show that you read the profile. A specific detail proves you are not sending the same text to twenty people.
Offer a topic. Something that can last longer than one sentence.
Make replying easy. An open question they can answer with interest, not a sigh.

How to write a first message step by step

1. Find one specific detail in the profile

A photo from somewhere you recognise. A book on the shelf behind them. A mention of a dog, running, a trip or an odd hobby. It does not have to be profound, just make it something other than their face. If the profile contains nothing but four car selfies, that is information too. Ask where they are driving.

2. Say what caught your attention

Write one sentence that shows your connection to the detail: “I run too, but a half marathon is still science fiction to me.” Or: “I read that book twice and still cannot decide whether I like the ending.” You are offering something about yourself rather than conducting an interview.

3. Ask an open question

Questions beginning with how, what, why and where open a conversation. Questions beginning with “do you like” close it. Compare “Do you like mountains?” with “Which trip in your photos was most worth it?” The first can be answered with yes. The second cannot.

4. Check the length

Keep it to 1-3 sentences. A longer message feels like a cover letter and raises the pressure to reply. One word or one emoji looks uninterested. If the whole text does not fit on your phone screen, cut it in half.

5. Send it and leave it alone

No “hello?” after an hour. People have jobs, children, lives and notifications switched off in self-defence. If there is no answer after two or three days, one short, light follow-up is fine. A second is not.

First-message examples that work

These are patterns, not templates to copy. They work because they are specific. Copy them unchanged and they stop working.

A photo with a dog

Message:: “Your dog looks as if it has strong opinions. What is their name, and who is really in charge at home?”

A mention of cooking

Message:: “You claim to make the best ramen in Prague. Bold statement. How long does that soup take?”

A mountain photo

Message:: “Is that Sněžka, or somewhere I cannot reach without a climbing course?”

Books in the bio

Message:: “You say you read detective novels. Which one could you not put down most recently?”

An empty bio and a festival photo

Message:: “Which festival is that photo from? I am looking for a reason to go somewhere this year.”

When the profile gives you nothing

Say something about yourself and ask for their equivalent. “I spent tonight repairing a bike that belongs in a museum. What is keeping you busy right now?” It beats an empty “hi” and gives the other person something to respond to.

What not to put in a first message

Compliments about appearance. Some people hear “you are beautiful” so often that it no longer registers. It also says you saw nothing beyond the photos. If you want to compliment something, choose a decision, humour or style, not a body.
Sexual remarks. No exceptions. Even if the other person mentions sex in their profile, the first message is not where you test it. This is the fastest route to being blocked and reported.
Copied lines from the internet. “Are you Wi-Fi? Because I feel a connection.” Please, no. They know the line from TikTok and know another hundred people got it too.
Complaints about dating apps. “Everyone here is fake, hope you are not.” Starting with suspicion is like arriving at a date and immediately asking for a criminal record check.
Suggesting a date in the first message. Pleasantly direct for some, rushed for most. Exchange a few lines first, then have coffee.

How to continue when they reply

The first message is only the beginning. A good conversation works like table tennis: respond to what they wrote, add something about yourself and return the ball with a question. Ask only questions and it becomes an interview. Talk only about yourself and it becomes a monologue.

After five to ten exchanges, if it is flowing, suggest something concrete: “Maybe we could continue this over coffee. Would Thursday suit you?” Not “we should get coffee sometime”, a sentence from which nothing ever happens.

When to let the conversation go

If the other person gives one-word answers, asks nothing and goes silent for days, it is not your problem to solve. You do not have to pump life into a conversation that does not want to live. Thank it silently and move on. It is not a defeat. It is a filter.

Where the first message is easier

On apps where a match comes from an anonymous like, you often have no idea why the other person liked you. On lāska.ai, every recommendation explains what you have in common, and chat opens only after both people confirm interest. Your first topic is already at hand, and you know the person on the other side wants the conversation too.

Dr. Lāska

Published 12 August 2026

Frequently asked questions

What should I write as a first message on a dating app?

Respond to a specific detail in the profile and add an open question. For example: “You are by the sea in that photo. Is that Croatia, or somewhere better?” One to three sentences is enough.

Who should message first on a dating app?

Anyone. Apart from apps with a rule that women write first, there is no rule. Waiting to see who starts is the surest way to let a match fade.

How long should a first message be?

1-3 sentences. A longer text raises the pressure to reply, while a shorter one can look uninterested.

Is it okay to send only “hi”?

You can, but a message with a specific detail is much more likely to get a reply. “Hi” leaves all the work of creating a conversation to the other person.

What should I do if nobody replies?

Check whether your messages are specific rather than identical, and look at your own profile too. Often the problem is not the message but a profile that gives the other person nothing to respond to.

When should I suggest a date after the first message?

When the conversation is flowing and both of you ask questions, usually after five to ten exchanges or two to three days of messaging. Suggest a specific day and place.